In Alice Miller’s books, this introspection by her is brought up regarding the Fourth Commandment. A reader and follower of her’s asked a pointed question regarding the Fourth Commandment, (“Thou shalt honor thy father and thy mother”) In some people’s minds this maybe a concept that may be hard to accept and people’s beliefs maybe questioned or be unacceptable. Alice Miller comes across very clear and concise.
The question below is found on page 221 chapter 10 “Violence Kills Love”, in the book, “Free From Lies”. I have also attached the whole interview that Alice Miller, the late Psychoanalyst gave in 2005 to ONA magazine.
Question to Alice Miller:
You have found out that the Fourth Commandment (“Thou shalt honor thy father and thy mother”) is detrimental to the healthy emotional life of a child. This will be quite shocking for many people. How did you discover that the only function of this ‘honorable injunction’ is in fact manipulation and subordination of the child?
The commandment is not detrimental to the child but later to the adult. All children love their parents and they wouldn’t need the commandment to tell them to do so. But when we become adults and realize that our love was exploited and we were abused, we should be able to experience our true feelings, including rage, and not be forced to love parents who were cruel to us. Most people are afraid of these “negative” feelings towards their parents, so they take them out on their children and in this way perpetuate the cycle of violence. It is here that I see the destructive effect of the fourth commandment. Since a commandment or a law that would inhibit parents to dump their anger on their offspring doesn’t yet exist, even the parents’ most violent behavior can still be called “child rearing”.
https://www.alice-miller.com/en/violence-kills-love-spanking-the-fourth-commandment-and-the-suppression-of-authentic-emotions/
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